The Mercury News
Posted on Friday, June 6, 2003

Truth and consequences
Couple reaches out to son it had never told about
By Donna Leigh Yansh

At age 21, Linda Barton learned she was adopted. The news was so unsettling, it ultimately led to a career in family therapy: Barton wanted to help others cope with long-buried family secrets. “It completely altered how I viewed things, “ recalls the Los Gatos Therapist.

Family secrets, often hidden in dusty documents or whispered by knowing relatives, are sometimes willingly revealed. Or, long-hidden events are unearthed by others. Whatever the situation, recent news events have shown that a secret revealed can have a devastating effect on family members. It can also be liberating. Marion “Mimi” Fahnestock was living quietly in New York until reporters learned last month that as a 19-year old intern, she had had an affair with President Kennedy. Now a 60-year-old church worker and grandmother, Fahnestock said it was a ‘huge relief’ to have the secret out in the open.

“The gift for me is that this allowed me to tell my two married daughters a secret that I’ve been holding for 41 years,” she said in a statement released to the New York Daily News and other media.

Then there is Gerald Mason, who lived in obscurity with his wife of 40 years until he was arrested in January in the 1957 murder of two California police officers. In March, he entered a guilty plea and was sentenced to two consecutive life terms. His wife knew nothing of his past. Police descried her a ‘very shocked’ according to the Los Angeles Times.

Virtually all families have secrets, counselors say, but not all are that dramatic. Still, they carry power and can be a burden, weighing down individuals, families and their relationships.

Some may seem fairly innocuous, like the grandmother who couldn’t stand her daughter-in-law, or the father who was involved in a minor run-in with the law as a teenager. But serious secrets, especially involving sexual molestation and abuse, are all too common, counselor say.

“People keep secrets because they fear what other people will think, says Rev. Ernest Cockrell, rector of St. Andrews Episcopal Church in Saratoga. They experience guilt and shock and feel abnormal because of the burden they carry. “Often after they talk to someone that they can trust, they find out just how normal they are.”

Culture and tradition also lead people to protect secrets.

“In the Asian culture, without stereotyping, there’s emphasis on group value rather than on individuals, says therapist Tam Anh Pham, who teaches a course in multicultural counseling at Santa Clara University. “There’s a cost to the family name in revealing a secret. There’s a desire to save face.”

Sometimes family secrets come out simply because they lose their grip over time. In the past, people went to great lengths to hide a family history of cancer, migraine headaches or mental illness. Today, the stigma is gone and most families are open about health histories.

When people carry a secret burden, it can adversely affect their moods, mental health expert’s caution.

“It’s always a good idea to reveal secrets, “says Patricia Reed, a therapist with New Hope Counseling in Milpitas. “As an adult, you can name it, and it loses its power to grip you. As a therapist and woman of faith, I say that the human soul cries out for closure and meaning. When we live with a shadow, it affects how we perceive life and meaning. It’s cathartic when one reveals something long held. You’re no longer living a lie. Even if it doesn’t have a positive impact, it feels more authentic.”

Secrets are best revealed to a neutral third party rather than a family member or friend, many health experts agree. Find a trusted person who won’t judge you, such as a clergy member or counselor, Reed says. That’s the key to releasing the burden.

Whether to reveal secrets to family members is trickier…There was a time in the ‘70’s when the trend was to always advocate full disclosure, Barton says. “A lot of therapists would say that a lot of damage was done that could never be fixed.” What’s the best way to reveal a long-held secret to your family? “You don’t want to just blurt it out at McDonald’s,” Reed says. “There should be some ceremony to it. Tell them there’s something you want to talk to them about and then set up a time.”

And be prepared to say why you’re revealing the secret. “’You’re going to find out anyway’ isn’t a good reason,” she says. “’I care about you and I want you to be able to ask questions about it,’ is better. Answer appropriate questions so there is some closure.

“Even if they say it’s not going to change your relationship, it might. Plan a follow-up get-together so the impact can be processed again. Be open to new questions. Maybe there’s some hostility or blame, but be willing to hear what the kids have to say.”

For 34 years, Jim and Kitty Fassel kept a secret: a son, born before they were married, was given up for adoption. Then Fassell, coach of the New York Giants, and his wife, hoping they might find that now-grown child because of a change in adoption laws, decided to tell their other four children. “Shocking, very shocking,” is what one of those children said of learning the truth, according to the Philadelphia Daily News. The Fassels later found the son they had given up, and the entire family got together last month.

“It can be tough but worth it,” Reed says. “It’s a good thing to share a secret when it will be helpful. The truth may hurt, but it’s better than a lie. This is real.”